My Chakra Report

"Your first chakra is associated with your connection to a tribal force and your sense of belonging in the world. It symbolizes the physical plane of existence — both the earth and your physical body. This being true, it's not surprising that the first chakra is known to be the source of self-preservation and survival. When this first chakra energy is disrupted, you may be more liable to feel alone in the world, be afraid for your safety, and feel disconnected from other people. You're also likely to feel ungrounded, lacking a strong connection to the earth or your body. Energetically, when the first chakra is disrupted you can feel you have no real "roots."

Your first chakra is a level 0.1 out of 10. This means that right now it appears that you have a preoccupation with survival on some level. Such a focus can get in the way of your enjoyment. It can also keep you from taking the risks necessary to be happy. By working the lessons associated with this blocked energy, you can begin to feel safe enough to take more risks and live more fully."


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Reading this triggered the sea of tears I've been suppressing for more than 6 months... or part of it, at least.
No, not because I feel sorry for myself, although some would say that. It's just the accumulated feelings around how hard it is to be me sometimes. I'm so desperate to belong somewhere right now that it's almost shameful...
So yeah, at this moment I don't think Christmas is my thing... I might still have some, but I'm not getting the vibes at all just yet.

Broken Things List

It is almost ridiculous how where I am in life manifests in material things around me.
It's kind of scary too, when I come to think of it.
Or maybe the scary thing really is the reflection I discover in the mirror...

So here it goes, the list of things that broke down, stopped functioning, got lost or even stolen. And most of this happened in like 8-10 weeks' time.

cell phone - 3 keys went non-functional for several weeks, leaving me unable to dial new numbers and send only wacky text messages, before the whole thing just refused to be charged.
oven - dunno, won't start. how do you jack up an oven? I'm sure I did this somehow.
backpack - it was a good one, but obviously not suitable for carrying heavy tools around for 3 months. I wanted to travel with this.
knapsack - same. it's just a zipper here, but that makes it equally useless.
computer - well, it just needs upgrades to an extent where it's more worth to buy another computer... it cannot handle my photos and general activity anymore.
monitor - OK, I bought it used after the other one died. I could never calibrate the hell of that green out of it. unsuitable for working with pictures.
computer desk - didn't support the heavier monitor. if I took the two pieces of 2x4 holdong it up, it would probably come of leaving a serious opening in the wall.
mp3 player - yes, this was not an iPod either, but I expected it to last longer than a couple of months... and without music, I'm going insane :(
iTunes - needs to be upgraded, doesn't work. no music :(
Photoshop - same as above. can use just Elements 4.0, which is not complete enough.
flat tire on car - I was driving around the jobsite on the donut for 3 weeks before I could come up with the money to get a used tire.
car - I should spend $700 on repairs and $500 on insurance before it's of any use again.
bike - just a flat tire there, too.
tools - there's a bunch of them that are broken and useless. you have to keep investing in your tools all the time.

Items I managed to lose:
2 pairs of gloves
2 hats
1 set of apartment keys (Snoopy found his way back after a week, and it was such a great party it was well worth the 1 hour wait for the landlady upon getting home)
1 Nikon lens cap 58mm

Item that was stolen:
1 DeWalt drill/screwdriver, taken from the jobsite when there was 3 of us working around it. about $200 to replace.

I know, I never wanted bonds with objects. The more things you own, the more likely they will start owning you.
But then there's comfort.
And then there's personal sustainability... meaning health as much as the ability to make money.
Finally, there's a combination of stupid actions, carelessness and bad luck... the Mortal Mix.

Weary days

it was one of those weary days again when life is making me face an obstacle and i'm still just banging my head on it.
i went just to fetch my car from the 'Shwa, sneak it home.
and once i was there, why not finish some unfinished jobs.
but i made sure everybody knows that i'm so out of there.
then it changed to looking like it would be worth to come back tomorrow and actually make some money... sounded like good news.

and then, what do i do? i get busted by the safety (the serious guys) for not wearing a hard hat and not having the proper rope and the ladder being all unsafe...
he's talking to the other guys down there while i'm up on the roof, i just catch a couple of words.
i want to finish it quick. one of the dudes says 'I think you should come down'.
OK, I do, and as the blue hat turns his back on me, i just walk behind the house, to the coffee truck on the other side, borrow the coffee dude's hat, walk back to my car in a circle, see that the folks are in the house, so i just get in my car and drive...
two hours later the siding guys tell me that the safety inspector was actually talking to me when i walked away, but he just kind of laughed at me and started busting everybody else's ass.
that's too bad... but it looks like I was lucky after all.
they fined two tapers plus the super, which is a blow, so I guess the guy was over the quota for the day or just in a happy mood, whatever.
a weary, but lucky day - i was this close to being fined on a day i didn't even make a cent but spent some instead just to be able to work.

and there it is.
it's as clear a no-go as it gets, and it has been for quite a while now, anybody can see it.
so what do i do?
go there tomorrow again, because the prospect of bringing home some bacon is more enticing than stay home, look for jobs and make 0 cents.


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Fikusz is acting weirder and weirder - I'm suspicious he's thinking about some pussy :P
but OMG, I don't wanna have him neutered!!!