Wondering about New Age

That's how slow I can be taking my time to react to thoughts on occasion... I think I'm still quite overwhelmed about your experience with past life regression.

Partly because I hadn't realized you had that tight of a connection with nature's people - but of course, how wouldn't you have, that comes with real cultural immersion.
Which leaves me wondering about how come you didn't stay with them and lived more of your life there... I'm sure you had your reasons.

On the other hand, this cycle of a relationship - that's just all very... I don't know, paralyzing in a way, and of course, sad. But where it all leaves me is how many parallel cycles do we have, because we have more than one relationship in a life, and how do we know some others are not equally universal, with different things to work out thru them?

All in all, I'm positive there's more coming your way, this life, than just working out your feeling of not belonging.
Which really does seem to be a common denominator among our kind, those who are unsettled and looking for answers all the time...
We all have felt we do not belong here, in this world, maybe this planet or just this dimension or time... that something is not right... that nobody else seems to understand us... all the Matrix stuff :)
and / or The Celestial Prophecy, according to taste.
There's lots of books about all that, it's not like we're inventing anything.

But then, rightful is the question: where are all the things we have achieved? Any visible result of a change, provoked by the New Age or any other, in fact, towards a... what? Better World? World Peace And Love?

Is there??? Right now it's bloody hard to see any!

The Well

My life was never short of bleak futures being painted to me.
I was always perceived as someone going straight downhill at any given time in my life.
Look at the last paragraph of my Mom's last email and you'll see what I mean.
She doesn't remotely have the facts at hand, yet her instant vision - on the chance of getting busted again should I decide to drive, which I won't - involves me getting thrown to jail and then out of the country...
Thanks, Mom.
That's the kind of 'help' I've been ever getting from her, and then most - not all - of the women I had as partners. We supposedly pick the same type all over, just for being familiar.
Well, it doesn't work for me anymore. And that's one pattern I'm breaking with the divorce.
But all this being said, why would anybody be surprised at me having a hard time envisioning a positive future and actually working towards it?
The little positivity I do bear took me a long time to pick up on the way and integrate into myself. I'm still not very boasted with it, so to speak. It's still not more than vaguely hopeful and might never become confident.
One more thing: too bad it's only people that don't know me closely that are really confident about my coping abilities and encourage me...
Once you get to know me more, you're bound to lose hope for me.
I'm a deep, bottomless well you don't want to jump in.
I'm working on bringing the bottom closer to the surface, and that has to happen before you can even take a peek.

Goals for the year to come

I've never did this - but people change, don't they.
I have to try, maybe it does work in keeping me focused on where I'm going.

So here's a list of the things and events I want to happen in 2008.

- I WANT TO BE ABLE TO PAY MY TAXES - if I have to choose just one, that's the single most important one, being the biggest concern right now. I could also put it as being financially stable.
- I WANT A PHOTOGRAPHY RELATED JOB
- I WANT TO GO ON A 2-WEEK VISIT TO HUNGARY
- I WOULD LOVE TO GO ON A 3-4 WEEKS LONG BACKPACKING TRIP IN SOUTH AMERICA
- I WANT TO GO UP SKIING IN QUEBEC
- I WANT TO BE ABLE TO LIVE A HEALTHIER LIFE: QUIT SMOKING, CUT BACK ON THE LEAVES, EAT HEALTHIER, DO MORE EXERCISE
- I WANT TO MOVE TO ANOTHER APARTMENT
- I WANT TO MASTER MY PHOTOSHOP SKILLS AND GET INVOLVED WITH GRAPHIC DESIGN
- I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A SMALL SOLO EXHIBITION
- I WANT A SIMPLE AND QUIET DIVORCE
- I WANT TO BE ABLE TO AMPLIFY MY PHOTOGRAPHY EQUIPMENT: LENSES, FLASH, ACCESSORIES

My Chakra Report

"Your first chakra is associated with your connection to a tribal force and your sense of belonging in the world. It symbolizes the physical plane of existence — both the earth and your physical body. This being true, it's not surprising that the first chakra is known to be the source of self-preservation and survival. When this first chakra energy is disrupted, you may be more liable to feel alone in the world, be afraid for your safety, and feel disconnected from other people. You're also likely to feel ungrounded, lacking a strong connection to the earth or your body. Energetically, when the first chakra is disrupted you can feel you have no real "roots."

Your first chakra is a level 0.1 out of 10. This means that right now it appears that you have a preoccupation with survival on some level. Such a focus can get in the way of your enjoyment. It can also keep you from taking the risks necessary to be happy. By working the lessons associated with this blocked energy, you can begin to feel safe enough to take more risks and live more fully."


***

Reading this triggered the sea of tears I've been suppressing for more than 6 months... or part of it, at least.
No, not because I feel sorry for myself, although some would say that. It's just the accumulated feelings around how hard it is to be me sometimes. I'm so desperate to belong somewhere right now that it's almost shameful...
So yeah, at this moment I don't think Christmas is my thing... I might still have some, but I'm not getting the vibes at all just yet.

Broken Things List

It is almost ridiculous how where I am in life manifests in material things around me.
It's kind of scary too, when I come to think of it.
Or maybe the scary thing really is the reflection I discover in the mirror...

So here it goes, the list of things that broke down, stopped functioning, got lost or even stolen. And most of this happened in like 8-10 weeks' time.

cell phone - 3 keys went non-functional for several weeks, leaving me unable to dial new numbers and send only wacky text messages, before the whole thing just refused to be charged.
oven - dunno, won't start. how do you jack up an oven? I'm sure I did this somehow.
backpack - it was a good one, but obviously not suitable for carrying heavy tools around for 3 months. I wanted to travel with this.
knapsack - same. it's just a zipper here, but that makes it equally useless.
computer - well, it just needs upgrades to an extent where it's more worth to buy another computer... it cannot handle my photos and general activity anymore.
monitor - OK, I bought it used after the other one died. I could never calibrate the hell of that green out of it. unsuitable for working with pictures.
computer desk - didn't support the heavier monitor. if I took the two pieces of 2x4 holdong it up, it would probably come of leaving a serious opening in the wall.
mp3 player - yes, this was not an iPod either, but I expected it to last longer than a couple of months... and without music, I'm going insane :(
iTunes - needs to be upgraded, doesn't work. no music :(
Photoshop - same as above. can use just Elements 4.0, which is not complete enough.
flat tire on car - I was driving around the jobsite on the donut for 3 weeks before I could come up with the money to get a used tire.
car - I should spend $700 on repairs and $500 on insurance before it's of any use again.
bike - just a flat tire there, too.
tools - there's a bunch of them that are broken and useless. you have to keep investing in your tools all the time.

Items I managed to lose:
2 pairs of gloves
2 hats
1 set of apartment keys (Snoopy found his way back after a week, and it was such a great party it was well worth the 1 hour wait for the landlady upon getting home)
1 Nikon lens cap 58mm

Item that was stolen:
1 DeWalt drill/screwdriver, taken from the jobsite when there was 3 of us working around it. about $200 to replace.

I know, I never wanted bonds with objects. The more things you own, the more likely they will start owning you.
But then there's comfort.
And then there's personal sustainability... meaning health as much as the ability to make money.
Finally, there's a combination of stupid actions, carelessness and bad luck... the Mortal Mix.

Weary days

it was one of those weary days again when life is making me face an obstacle and i'm still just banging my head on it.
i went just to fetch my car from the 'Shwa, sneak it home.
and once i was there, why not finish some unfinished jobs.
but i made sure everybody knows that i'm so out of there.
then it changed to looking like it would be worth to come back tomorrow and actually make some money... sounded like good news.

and then, what do i do? i get busted by the safety (the serious guys) for not wearing a hard hat and not having the proper rope and the ladder being all unsafe...
he's talking to the other guys down there while i'm up on the roof, i just catch a couple of words.
i want to finish it quick. one of the dudes says 'I think you should come down'.
OK, I do, and as the blue hat turns his back on me, i just walk behind the house, to the coffee truck on the other side, borrow the coffee dude's hat, walk back to my car in a circle, see that the folks are in the house, so i just get in my car and drive...
two hours later the siding guys tell me that the safety inspector was actually talking to me when i walked away, but he just kind of laughed at me and started busting everybody else's ass.
that's too bad... but it looks like I was lucky after all.
they fined two tapers plus the super, which is a blow, so I guess the guy was over the quota for the day or just in a happy mood, whatever.
a weary, but lucky day - i was this close to being fined on a day i didn't even make a cent but spent some instead just to be able to work.

and there it is.
it's as clear a no-go as it gets, and it has been for quite a while now, anybody can see it.
so what do i do?
go there tomorrow again, because the prospect of bringing home some bacon is more enticing than stay home, look for jobs and make 0 cents.


***

Fikusz is acting weirder and weirder - I'm suspicious he's thinking about some pussy :P
but OMG, I don't wanna have him neutered!!!